Kali pours out her heart to anyone who to wants to read it.
It was just hours away from the party. I was excited. I wanted to be with Logan. I couldn't wait to go with him and finally get over Ethan. I changed into a purple shirt and a nice, sort of short jean skirt. I put on some flip flops and smiled at what I was wearing. I actually looked nice. When I thought about it, Logan has never seen me in a skirt. I was always wearing jeans. I went downstairs and ran into Ethan. I waved at him and he smiled, slightly, and said,
"You look great, where are you off to?"
"I was heading out to see Aunt Riley and Laura, then going to a party with an old friend."
"Who?"
"My old boyfriend, Logan."
Ethan's face filled with shock and disappointment. That made me sad, a little, and also wonder why he always did that.
"Oh...can I come?" Ethan asked, hopefully.
I hesitated but said,
"If you want. It'll give you a chance to meet some people here."
I suddenly had a thought of him finding some other girl and making out with her. That made me sort of upset, yet I shook the thought. He nodded and came with me to Aunt Riley's. I couldn't help but keep staring at him when he played with Laura. It was so cute. I quickly looked away when he looked up. While I was talking with Aunt Riley, I kept thinking. Mostly about the party. It was going to be a disaster.
A while later, we left my aunt's. Uncle Ty came home from work and let me and Ethan go. Ethan and I walked to the party in silence. I kept thinking of Logan and what he would think of Ethan. Finally, we made it to the store. Tons of people were there. I even saw Gwen and Brice. I gave them a quick wave as I went in farther. I thought I lost Ethan but he was still close behind. The music was loud, so I dragged Ethan to a sort of quiet corner and said,
"Why don't you go meet new people?"
"Okay, I want to meet Logan."
"Come on Ethan, you don't want to meet him."
"Why? Because he's a jerk?"
"He's not a jerk, he's a nice guy."
"Then why can't I meet him?"
"Why do you WANT to meet him?"
He looked at me, a bit worried.
"I don't want you to get hurt again." he said.
"Why is everyone so worried about me getting hurt?! You're the ones hurting me!"
I walked away from him while I felt my eyes burn. I bumped into someone and looked up.
"Sorry." I said looking in those blue eyes I knew so well.
"It's okay. Are you okay?"
As soon as he asked, the tears came down. He dragged me upstairs to a room I didn't even know was there. The room was more like an apartment. I walked in and looked around. Logan hugged me and I cried into his chest.
"No one is succeeding at NOT hurting me." I said.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I'm in love with my best friend but he loves my best girl friend, Gwen. Gwen's moved on and is happily in love while I sit back and cry. My parents are still fighting, even though they are an ocean apart and I...I am falling to pieces."
I cried harder as I knew that I told Logan something that would keep him away. He said sweetly,
"I love you and I won't hurt you."
At that, I kissed him. It felt good but bad all at the same time. I kissed him with passion that came from nowhere. As if I forced it. I started to tug on his shirt. I felt a slight grin form on my face when I tugged. He smiled and pulled off his shirt. I kissed him more and lead him to the bed. I thought about the night with Ethan which through me off a little. I tried to brush it off but this feeling was too familiar. I kept going, though. I wanted more even if my mind was somewhere else with Ethan. I started to pull my shirt off and grin as he kissed my neck. This felt completely bad, but I STILL didn't stop. He put one hand on my hip and one lead to my pants button. He started to unbutton and I smiled. Then, my pants were off and he pulled his off too. He kept kissing lower and lower. I pulled away and he looked at me. Finally, my thoughts beat me.
"I'm not ready."
I was shocked by what I said because I did still want more. Sadly, my mind was set on that night with Ethan when he was drunk. The feeling was too familiar. I couldn't think about Ethan while I was with Logan. I got up and put my clothes back on. He changed and pulled me close. I smiled and kissed him softly. It still felt wrong, somehow. We kept kissing, though, when the door flew open.
"GET OFF OF HER!"
It was Ethan and he was extremely angry. Ethan came in and pushed Logan against the wall.
"Stop! Ethan, STOP!"
I was able to pull Ethan off of Logan. Ethan looked at him and said,
"By the way, some girl named Julie is looking for you."
Logan's face went into shock as he looked at me. Ethan walked out. We were silent, then I mumbled,
"Who's Julie?"
"A friend." he said with a shaky voice.
"Really? She doesn't seem like just a friend."
"What does it matter?"
"After what we ALMOST did, it matters! You say you won't hurt me but look! You're hurting me right now!"
"Claire I do love you..."
"Then prove it."
Now I was starting to get confusing. I didn't even understand myself.
"If you really cared, there wouldn't be someone else." I said thinking of whoever the girl was who's name was Julie.
"What about Ethan? I almost got punched in the face by a guy I don't even know!"
"That wasn't my fault! He did it, not me!"
"He obviously has feelings for you!"
"No he doesn't!"
Logan looked at me and said loudly,
"Then why did he just try to pound my face in?!"
I felt tears come down my face. Finally, he stopped yelling and stared at the ground. Still not looking, he said, as calm as he could,
"Maybe we just shouldn't try this again."
"What, why?" I cried harder.
"We have changed, so much. We are NOT the same people we were two summers ago."
I wiped my tears away and thought. He didn't seem that different. Not that I could tell, anyway.
"Are you trying to say I have changed?"
"Yes, but not in a bad way."
Then, I lost it.
"How did I change exactly?! Huh?! Just because I'm not all over you like I was before doesn't mean I changed! It means I grew up! When we were dating, I hid this part of me away because I didn't want to ruin it all! I never really forgot about Ethan! I always loved him!"
I put my hand over my mouth. I couldn't believe I just said that. I thought that maybe I was at least partially over Ethan; I definitely wasn't. Logan looked at me and his eyes were full of hurt and disappointment. I said,
"I'm sorry."
I couldn't think of anything else to say. Logan came closer and pulled me into a hug. I was shocked but it made sense when he whispered,
"I hope we can be friends."
I cried harder at that word 'friends'. Every time I cared about a guy, they always seemed to end up just my friend. Logan kissed my head and walked out. I followed him and went back down to the party. He joined the party, I left. I walked home by myself and let myself cry all the way there. I walked into the front door of my house and started for the kitchen. I stopped in the living room and saw a horrible sight. My mom was making out with some guy on the couch.
"Mom?!"
She pulled away and sort of yelled, in shock,
"Claire?! I-I wasn't expecting you home so early!"
When I looked at the guy, he didn't look familiar.
"Who's this?" I said in disgust.
"Uh...well...this is...Eric."
I didn't understand why I was so angry about this but I was. I went up to my room and slammed the door. A little while later, I heard knocking on the door.
"Leave me alone!"
"Come on, Claire, let me in!
"No!" I yelled.
My mother was very persistent but so was I.
"You're not a little kid anymore; we have to talk about this!"
"Later. I just want to be alone!"
I heard a loud sigh and her footsteps down the stairs. I cried into my pillow and looked around. I didn't want to be here. I walked over to my window, opened it, and climbed out. I had done this many times. I had learned to climb out without hurting myself. I got to the ground and ran to my spot. This felt so familiar after the many years of running away. I ran faster and faster as my eyes started to burn from crying. As soon as I got there, I crashed to the ground. I laid there, staring up at the sky. There was a stary sky so I counted the stars. Tears streamed down my face as I made a wish on star one hundred. I whispered out loud,
"I wish I could just be happy."
I closed my eyes and kept thinking of that wish. Then, my mind turned to Ethan. I loved him. I still cared about him. He stilled cared about Gwen. I was always going to be his friend; always just friends. No matter what, Ethan was my best friend. I couldn't feel that way anymore. I sat up and wiped my tears away. I knew what I had to do.
The next day I went to the grocery store. Mom tried to talk to me but I said I was going to the store. I had already slept in because I got home late so I wasn't in the mood. I got to the store and didn't know what to buy. So, I decided on a bottle of pop and some chips. When I was checking out, I realized how empty the store was. This store was never that empty. I asked the cashier,
"Where is everyone?"
"Probably at the carnival in the park today."
She seemed very irritated; I'm guessing she was mad that she was at the store while everyone else was at the carnival. I felt bad so I just said,
"Thanks, bye."
I grabbed my stuff and left. I went to the house and dropped off the stuff. Mom tried talking to me again but I just asked,
"Where's Ethan?"
"Uh..oh, he took Laura to the fair."
He was spending more time with my family than I was. I quickly said bye, again, and walked out the door. I ran for the park and saw it was flooded with people. There were mini rides all around and food, drink, and game stands. I started in and slowly walked around looking for Laura and Ethan. Then I remembered Laura telling me last summer that she always wanted to ride the ferris wheel. I ran for the ferris wheel and saw them about to get in line. I ran up to them and said, out of breath,
"Can I-come on-with you guys?"
"Yes! I was hoping you came!" Laura shouted and practically tackled me with a hug.
Ethan stood there watching with a smile. I was still sort of hurt and angry about last night so I quickly looked away. We got on the ferris wheel and Laura sat between us. Laura didn't seem scared, just excited. She smiled up at me and then looked forward. The ride was quiet until it stopped at the top. Laura said,
"Look! The sky looks so pretty!"
Ethan and I looked up at the sky and I smiled slightly. I kept looking at the sky, pointing out clouds that looked like animals to Laura. Then Laura looked towards Ethan and asked,
"Do you think the sky looks pretty?"
Ethan looked at the sky and nodded at Laura. Then his gaze fell on me. He looked me straight in the eyes and said,
"Yes, the sky looks beautiful today."
I wondered why he looked at me. I wondered if he was still talking about the sky. I looked away from him and blushed. Why was he doing this again? He was pulling me in again just to push me away, again. We started to move again and went around once again. We got off and started walking around. Laura rode a few more rides while Ethan and I watched. Every time we would walk next to each other, our hands would brush against each and I would feel tingles go through me. I shook the feeling. We grabbed something to eat and took a seat by the small stage. We waited for a performance when someone came up onstage. It was Logan. He must have booked the entertainment. He said,
"Hey everyone! Time for you all to step up to the stage and sing and dance your heart out! Our first people up area group called...Don't Breathe."
An all girl rock band came up and started to play. They were amazing! They were playing a cover. We listened to a few other people and then Logan came back up onstage.
"Anybody else want to go?"
Everyone in the crowd looked around and so did I. Part of me wanted to go, but I was sure I wouldn't be good. I looked directly at Logan who got a smirk on his face and came towards me. I looked over at Ethan who was already angry. Logan came to me and said,
"How about you?"
I shook my head no but he grabbed my hand and pulled me up. I tried to pull away but it didn't work. When I looked back, Ethan was furious but Laura was smiling at me and cheering me on.
I went home that night and immediately had to tell someone. After the whole Ethan thing I couldn't tell my mom. So, I grabbed my phone and was about to dial Gwen's number when someone knocked on my door. Before thinking, I lightly yelled for them to come in. Should have guessed it was Ethan.
"Why are you ignoring me?" Ethan asked.
Ethan seemed angry yet sad. I couldn't really answer him. I was a little shocked because my mind was traveling. My mind was set on Saturday. It seemed rude of me to not answer but I didn't care at this point.
"Why?!" he started to yell.
"You made me angry; I am sorry for having feelings." I said coldly.
"I realize you have feelings but why are you angry?"
"Oh, isn't it obvious?!"
He looked at me, confused. I was taken back a bit but still said,
"Okay, when you figure it out, come see me."
He was silent and still confused.
"One more thing; don't wait to long." I whispered softly.
I wasn't sure he heard that last sentence. Those words were more for me. I left him and headed for the kitchen. Before I entered, I heard my mom yelling on the phone.
"Yes Edward, she is safe! Why wouldn't she be?! You know, I can take care of OUR daughter! Just let me have one last GOOD summer with her!"
She hung up and slammed the phone down. I hated when they fought.
"Why can't you two just get along?" I said suddenly as I walked in.
I must have startled her a little because she jumped. I leaned against the door frame (okay, I was just at the doorway) and gave her a sad, angry look. I just saw the tears running down her face.
"I don't need this from you too."
"I am sorry, mom, but I hate hearing this all the time. Sometimes you guys start arguments about nothing. You guys are my parents! If you can't be together, could you at least be friends?!"
"I don't know! I really don't know..." she trailed off.
"Or do you do know and don't want to tell?" I said with a little bright side to the mood.
She grinned slightly through her tears. I went closer to her and sat beside her. I said quietly,
"Why is it so hard for you guys?"
She whispered through her tears,
"We fell out of love."
I didn't really understand and I don't think she did either. I hugged her and said,
"You guys may not be IN love anymore, but you will always love each other."
I smiled at her and she hugged me. I left her feeling a bit better. I walked out the door and went straight to Gwen's. Her aunt opened the door and so did Gwen's ten year old cousin, Lucas. Of course, I already knew them because I used to watch Lucas.
"Hi Mrs. West--"
"Claire, you should know to call me Sofia." she smiled and hugged me.
She motioned me in and showed me where Gwen was. I headed down the hall and to the study. I heard her voice and started to grab the handle of the door. Then I heard a man's voice, I knew who's it was.
"Look, you came here to explore and be with your friends, NOT to be with some guy! Your father would never approve." the man said.
"My father has no power in my love life! Neither do you! You guys can't pick my guy for me! You pick some poor bloke who will always love someone else and expect us to be together!" Gwen yelled back.
"He is a fine gentlemen and at least he listens to his parents!"
"The only reason he listens to them is because they said they would take away his money for college. Plus, he hates to disappoint his parents. My parents and his parents have had these plans since forever. Why can't you just lay off?!"
I knocked before I could hear anything else. The door opened to Gwen's face. She was relieved and still kind of angry all at the same time.
"Claire, nice to see you." she said, relief filling her voice.
I waved to Norris as Gwen quietly said to him,
"We'll be up in my room, Uncle Norris."
We walked upstairs and went to her room. As soon as we got in there and shut the door, she asked,
"You heard our fight, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Look, I would've told you all that but I thought it would just eventually come out. Plus, it was better for you not to get involved."
"First, just tell me who this guy is that you met!" I said excitedly trying to get her happy.
"His name is Brice. I met him a few days ago. He's so nice and sweet."
"What about the other guy? I am still fuzzy on him."
"Well, when we met, our parents practically put us together. I mean, I did like him and he liked me, in like middle school, but it was just a little crush. We didn't really like each other. I still have feelings for him but more like friendly or sisterly feelings. He only keeps this whole charade up for his parents. He is trying to keep it up until college but he fell in love a long time ago."
"Wow, who is he?"
"Uh...a friend from London. You wouldn't know him." she said quickly.
I brushed that off and remembered why I was there.
"Quick change on the subject: I think I want to try again with my old boyfriend, Logan."
She quickly thought and said,
"Okay, but what about Ethan?"
"Ethan? I have waited to long for him. If he felt something, he would've done something by now."
She looked a bit confused but said with a sigh,
"Alright, good for you. You should do whatever your heart is telling you to do."
Gwen seemed excited but at the same time, disappointed. I didn't understand why and suddenly asked, to change the subject,
"So, tell me more about Brice."
Her face lit up and she said,
"Well he's a bit taller than me, has beautiful golden brown eyes and has shaggy brown hair. He lives here and just came back from a trip with his friends. When I was walking the other day, the day in the park, I had just left him and spotted you."
I sort of stared at her in thought. Everything she was describing sounded familiar. So, I asked,
"What's his last name?"
"Uh Dougal, why?"
I jumped up excitedly and sat back down with a grin.
"Brice has been sneaking around with you! I was wondering why he wasn't there that day I went to Uncle Ty's! I didn't want to ask Uncle Ty and be rude."
"What are you talking about?" Gwen asked completely confused.
"Brice, Brice Dougal, he's my cousin."
"I had no idea."
"It's no big deal, I don't care I just wondered where he was that day."
"Oh I didn't know, at all."
"Is it a bad thing that he's my cousin?" I asked wondering why she kept repeating herself.
"No...no...he just left that part out."
"Well, is that bad?"
"I guess not, but I mentioned you and he didn't say anything."
"We're not super close, we're just close enough."
"Oh okay."
She still didn't seem completely understanding everything. To lighten the mood I said,
"Do you want to come to a party with me on Saturday? You can invite Brice."
She smiled lightly at me.
"Where?" she asked.
"Music store, downtown; if you meet me at my house, I'll show you where. Of course, I think Brice knows the place."
"Maybe, I don't know yet."
"Alright, that's good enough for me."
I got up and hugged her. Then I asked,
"Are you sure I don't know that one guy? I might if you tell me his name."
"No, you never met him before." her voice cracked.
Her voice always cracked when she was lying but I didn't want to bug her about it. So, I said,
"Well then..." I couldn't figure out what to say.
"He's a nice guy, I just don't feel that way for him. He's in love with someone else anyway. Though, he would never admit it. He still hasn't seen that he loves her a lot. He feels like we have to be together, you know for his parents. He doesn't like to let his family down. He is pretty persistent."
"Sounds like this guy has got to let go. He needs to grow up; his parents can't control him forever."
"Maybe so but he acts like they can. I know he doesn't love me. I see the way he looks at that girl."
"Well, he'll eventually come to his senses."
gave her another hug and left. I felt sad for her but I was happy. I was finally moving on from Ethan. That made me happy. Still, I had one thought that kept bugging me. Who was that other guy?
